Feelings. dadadada. Feelings.

Gee, my last entry sounds so sad. Just in case anyone was worried about me, I am not feeling sad or unloved most of the time. But I will admit to feeling a bit "off". I can't put my finger on it, but it probably has to do with the end of summer and going back to school.

I also feel somewhat disconnected from people in my life. I need to work on that. You know, like picking up the phone once in a blue moon to call someone I care about? Yeah, I should do that.

School starts next week. We put our boat up for sale so we can buy a bigger boat (apparently to go catch some great white shark...). I had a massage yesterday and my back hurts like a motherfucker. All my co-workers tell me I look great. I need clothes. And my library books were due two days ago.

That is all.

A childhood legacy

Why did we ever think it would be different when we got older? Last week I went back to school—not as a teacher, but as a student. I am taking a class in Visual Arts because I am teaching Art this year to my students and it occurred to me that I might want to feel like I have a clue. I looked forward to this class and, truth to tell, I am enjoying it, but I feel like I am eleven again.

A few of my co-workers are taking the course, too. I expected to hang with at least one of them. You know—sit together, make fun of the teacher, that sort of thing. But a good friend of hers is also taking the course, a woman I know, and suspect doesn’t care for me all that much. The other co-worker is taking a higher level of the course (it has three levels combined) and isn’t doing a lot of the same work I am. And by the time I figured out the dynamic of this particular group, including the new people, I found myself sitting all by myself. And the feeling was all too familiar.

I was pretty much alone in elementary school. I realize now that my ostracism (along with the teasing) was a form of bullying, but at the time, it was simply my life. Certain girls would “adopt” me for a period of time, only to drop me when it was no longer cool to hang around with me. It hurt. And more importantly, it made me feel as if it were my fault and that, despite all my efforts, I could not change it.

You would think that 36 years later I would not feel so at a loss, but the lessons learned at eleven are profound. No matter how often I reassure myself that I am “liked”, I find myself questioning it. I wonder about it at work, online, and even when I am with people. Do they really like me? The child inside me insists: they are only pretending. And the adult doesn't know what to say to make it better.

More Swiss stuff

Lucerne was my favourite part of our trip to Switzerland. Don't get me wrong, I loved the mountain scenery, but staying in a touristy place like Interlaken was not really my cup of tea. Lucerne is a medieval city, bi-sected by the River Reuss. There are two wooden bridges that cross the river; our hotel was near the second bridge which is called the Spreuerbrucke, or Dance of Death bridge. The interior features paintings of Death joining various scenes. Delightfully macabre.

The other bridge is Kapellbrucke which features the Wasserturm (water tower). It is the most famous of Lucerne's landmarks and is crowded all times of day. The river area is lovely, edged by restaurants and populated by large groups of swans. You can walk right down to the water's edge by way of staircases along the walkways. The buildings often come right to the river's edge, which reminded me of Venice. I learned later that many of the streets in Lucerne's old quarter were originally canals, and that Lucerne was often referred to as the "Venice of the North".

The old quarter is a nice mix of old buildings and interesting shops. The two main churches,the Hofkirche and the Baroque Jesuit Church are quite spectacular, which you would expect from the Catholic part of Switzerland. The most impressive, and emotionally affecting, sight was the Dying Lion of Lucerne. This memorial, for the Swiss mercenary soldiers who died defending Louis XVI, is carved directly into the rock wall. The pictures can't begin to convey the emotional power of this art; its sad beauty can move you to tears. Mark Twain called it "the most mournful and moving piece of stone in the world."

We also ate very well in Lucerne. I temporarily abandoned the chocolate shops for the cheese shops. It was a good trade. I bought some Gruyerere and some goat cheese to bring home. I should have bought more.

We stayed in an inexpensive hotel, Tourist Hotel(it's the green building), right along the river. The back of our room faced onto a walkway along the old fortification for the city. The rooms were clean, but the hotel had very poor soundproofing, and the younger tourists tended to keep us awake with noise late in the evening. Other than that, I recommend it highly.

We were sorry to leave Lucerne after only two nights. I hope I can return.

Extravagance (or Champagne Taste on a Beer Budget)

When I was a young girl of 12 or so, my father put me on a clothing allowance. Said allowance gave me the freedom to do my own shopping, without having to drag my long-suffering mother along for the ride. I was given credit at my favourite store and my very own Macy's and Sears credit cards to use. I used them well. Every year, my dad would sit down with me and we would go over accounts. I was always in the red and my father always took that opportunity to explain to me that staying within a budget was very important; then he would forgive my debt and start me at zero balance again.

Yes, I learned a valuable lesson: someone will usually bail you out when you get over your head. *nods sagely*

Yesterday, I picked up my new glasses. They were ridiculously expensive. Really, really expensive. I overspent my budget by $200 and I didn't even get the clip-on sunglasses for my troubles. But, my glasses are the coolest thing ever and also the most comfortable. For those of you desiring to see the latest object of my affections, click here, choose Creations, then Starck Eyes from the top menu, Eyeglasses, then finally click on BIOOP.S4. My glasses are Shiny Palladium, second colour from the left. Weren't they worth the extra clicks?? Before you ask, there are no pictures of me wearing them. I tried taking my own picture last night, but the results were not worthy of such amazing eyewear. Not to mention how scary the lighting made me look.

I have already decided that my birthday money from my parents will be the clip-on sunglasses, so I can wear my Starcks rain and shine! So, in a way, Dad is bailing me out once again.

I never did like beer all that much...

Home

Last night I slept in my own bed for the first time in over two weeks. It was wonderful.

Sixteen nights in the slightly cramped vee-berth of boat is a bit hard on the back. I was in serious pain the last few days of our holiday. Still, I can't complain too much. I was able to read constantly; the weather allowed me to swim nearly every day; I saw lots of wildlife; and I remembered all the good reasons I married my husband and realized that if I want to stay married to him, I should stop being a bitch sometimes.

I suspect I will write in more detail about all of the above, but I am feeling uninspired today. I think once I have caught up on all the "coming home" business, my muse may strike, but not today.